We’re heading into the holidays, which means all the exciting things – school fundraisers and performances, holiday parties, and planning trips to see your family back home.
You want to say “yes” to all the things. Of course, you do. That’s because you care about making memories with your family that your kids will remember into adulthood.
You’re going to feel pulled in 5 directions because you want to meet everyone’s needs – your kids’ needs, your partner’s needs, your extended family’s needs, and let’s not forget our own (even though we try really hard to not have these).
My intent is that you can consider this your holiday manual around all these needs. Your child’s needs matter. Your needs matter. And there are creative ways to meet needs, even when saying “no” to something.
First, a reframe.
When I say that there are creative ways to meet needs, I don’t mean there’s a magic way to clone you or make a 30-hour day. There are ways to say “no” to things that can actually meet emotional needs like feeling approved of, acknowledged, appreciated, valued, and create belonging.
And there are also ways to fill up these emotional needs in seconds. Have you ever bumped into a friend unexpectedly at a shopping mall, and her smile towards you and the way your child giggled with her left you beaming for the rest of the day? It was a game-changing 30 second interaction. It’s the same for our kids. Our kids don’t want more of our time; what they want more of is us. What I mean by that is they want that felt sense of our love inside their bodies. And when we’re open with ourselves, we want that felt sense of love as well.
Let’s start with those “no”s.
Download the Overview
Boundaries: Saying “no” to things kindly
This video is from the monthly membership The Cove.
- Acknowledge them AND you: I appreciate you asking me. I love doing these things. And I’m swamped this week.
- Acknowledge the conflict within you: I want to say “yes” and I need to say “no"
- Set the stage: “Mom, the first day we land, we are going to pop in and say “hello” for an hour and then go to the hotel room. I’m telling you now because the kids and I are going to want to stay longer, and I know we’ll need a quiet day first to adjust so that we can enjoy all the holiday excitement later.
- Handling pushback: Use “given that” to honor your need. “Oh, yes, I’m disappointed we won’t stay longer, too. And given that we’re all still getting over jet lag, a good night’s rest will make it so we can enjoy tomorrow with you together.
- From STOP to PAUSE: Instead of focusing on leaving; focus on when and for how long they’ll get to do the thing next. “It’s seven o’clock – time for us to get to bed. We’ll be back to play with your cousins tomorrow for lunch for two hours. I wonder what games you will play together tomorrow?
- Notice the half-life: Notice how long you think your child/your spouse/you will last at a family event. Then half that time. So, if you think your child might make it 2 hours; plan to leave an hour in. From my experience working with sensitive kids and parents; two hours of great family time that ends with a 20 minute meltdown is still depleting; one hour of restful family time that ends well is nourishing.
- From scarcity to abundance: Instead of "I can only scratch for two minutes tonight" (scarcity) TRY "I have two minutes tonight...SO you are about to experience the most phenomenal two minute back scratch EVER. Get yourself ready!"
Feeling better about those “no”s? Great!
Pick one to remember for the holidays. Now, let’s go into how to create that felt spark of love inside your child’s body and yours. I call these insta-connects and teach this to parents all the time. I’ve had parents say things like “oh, my grandmother did that – she’d say ‘I love you” and I’d say “I love you more” and she’d say “That’s impossible” and I still remember how amazing it felt.”
Download The Boundaries diagramInsta-Connects
This video is from the monthly membership The Cove.
First, an insta-connect is a small, yet impactful interaction between you and your child where your child can feel your love for them in your body – and you feel it too. You put the same thing on repeat. Great times for insta-connects are the last thing before bed or first thing in the morning. They are stabilizing, engaging, yet quick and easy, which makes them great for sensitive kids during the holidays when routines have gone out the window; insta-connects bring that stability and security sensitive kids crave.
The keys are: you feel that spark inside you, too and it’s under 30 seconds:
Here are a few ideas for insta-connects
- Have a ten second “I love you” competition with your child to see who can say it more. Of course, your child wins, and you sigh in feigned defeat saying “OK. You win tonight. But tomorrow night, I win!
- Fill up their necklace with “hugs” (squeeze it) and kisses for them to retrieve late
- When they ask for “one more hug” respond with “I was just hoping you’d ask me that"
- With your family: hold a hug a few seconds longer than usual
- With your family: give a really sincere, specific compliment about something/someone they treasure. For example, their child (“I noticed Emma bring over that toy Stephen liked last year. She notices people and has this generosity about her.”)
Monitoring your Capacity
Now that you’ve got “no”s and insta-connects down, there’s one final thing I want to share with you.
Holidays are about being in the energy of care.
The reason we want to do the parties, and events, and help is because we care. So, “care out” (care towards others) is higher during the holidays.
To create balance, we also need to up the “care-in” (a.k.a self-care).
I see self-care as not just physical care, but caring for all of you – your emotions, your internal experience and your needs. Now, let’s be realistic, there isn’t much time, so here are three insta-connects for connecting with yourself
- Buy yourself a nice lotion – when you use it, remind yourself that this is a little extra nurture in to you as you give nurture out towards other
- Instead of saying to yourself “I need to make this work for the next two hours” when you are at an event that’s important, yet hard for you to be there, ask yourself “Given that we’re here, what do I need to enjoy the next two hours?
- Let yourself feel your feelings. You’re frustrated but don’t think you “should” be? Express it playfully “I’m annoyed that oranges are orange”, “I’m frustrated that this couch is comfy”. Have fun with this one! You may be pleasantly surprised when your child chimes in with their own hysterical annoyances.
My intent is that these ideas allow you to not only navigate the holidays, but also deepen your connection with yourself and those you love. Afterall, I think that’s what we all want with the holidays, and sometimes it can help to have some ideas about how to get there.
Download "Capacity Monitoring"When it's NOT together... what to do in the moment
This video is from the monthly membership The Cove.
The information above is the pre-work. AND sometimes life still happens. We aren't able to hold it together.
Here's a video for
- How to trouble shoot when the sh*t hits the fan, and you still have two hours left with the family
- How to handle unsolicited advice about your kids
- How to respond in the moment
- When you're feeling really frustrated, and you don't know what to do
Because we can't be prepared for everything...
HEART AND MIND GUARANTEE
If you found this helpful and want more practical, playful, real-life ways to support your self and your kids, you might enjoy the Cove. Try The Cove for a full 30 days and if it doesn't make your heart sing, we'll happily refund your purchase.
YES! I WANT TO EXPERIENCE THE COVE